drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you had me at cake vodka
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
