Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
