I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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