Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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