wakey wakey hands off snakey
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
