So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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