I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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