I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
