True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
