If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
