I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
