1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Randomize
