I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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