Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
