I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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