Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
