i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
