dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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