I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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