I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I lost the right to judge tonight
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
