He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
