I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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