I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
