her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
