I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you will always have a special place in my vag
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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