I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
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Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
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got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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