her vagine was all disorganized.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
