The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
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But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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