i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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