the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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