did you get engaged???
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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