note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
