I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
