I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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