smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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