neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
