dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
