Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
