Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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