her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
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Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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