when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
