Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
