I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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