i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
