Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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