My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
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Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
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Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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