He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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