I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
