respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
