I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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