i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
