Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
