The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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