never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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