well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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