Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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